Seeking

This is a time for reflecting upon all the wonderful blessings we have in our lives.

Except, I am bitter.

You see, I am a big believer in denial. I think that my life runs more smoothly when I just sort of shove the unpleasant things away, and I usually wind up forgetting about them. Because if I think about them a lot, they bog me down, and my function starts decreasing, and for what? So that I can wallow in things? So not for me.

But, two days ago, I unwittingly clicked onto this story in the LA Times.

And when I saw the picture of that beautiful, precious dead infant, I totally lost it. I cannot get over how beautiful he is, and how the loss of him must have felt to his parents.

In fact, I am losing it now.

At this point, I was supposed to be seven months pregnant.

I was supposed to be starting my last trimester.

And obviously, I'm not.

I don't know if I will ever even get pregnant again, such is the nature of my disorder. I was probably blessed, in a way, to get pregnant at all.

I just need to find the blessing in that, somehow.

But it is really, really hard.

Comments

Mrs. G. said…
Oh, honey, you are in my thoughts tonight. Sometimes it takes years for a blessing make itself known.
12:36 AM
Anonymous said…
Oh babe. I know. I grieve for my many babies lost and hold those that I have closer. Perhaps too close sometimes.

I was told I would never have children. PCOS. But I have been lucky. Freaking unlucky many many times as well.

No words of comfort. No empty 'Your time will comes' just hugs and know that I am thinking of you over this side of the pond.
2:01 AM
Anonymous said…
I am so sorry you have to go through this, Gina. I wish I had better words to comfort you...((hugs))
4:05 AM
Badness Jones said…
I don't even have any words....tears are streaming down my face after reading that story, and yours, I can only say that I'm thinking of you, and will hope for you....xoxo
4:12 AM
Steph said…
I am so sorry, Gina. I am not great with words, but my thoughts are with you.
5:06 AM
Liz said…
I'm so sorry.
5:25 AM
Patois42 said…
I can see why you would push away the bad thoughts in order to function. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry.
6:55 AM
Heather Plett said…
Sorry. The holiday season always seems to sharpen the pain of loss. My thoughts are with you.
8:14 AM
J said…
Don't worry if you can never find the blessing in what you went through. I, for one, don't believe there is any blessing involved, only heartache. I think you were a compassionate enough person before hand, so you didn't go through it to open up your heart to other parents who experience it. It just sucks, plain and simple. There will be times when it hurts, and times when it doesn't, but it won't ever be a blessing.

That's my take, anyway.
9:35 AM
Laura said…
Gina, don't feel know you have to find a blessing where one might not be found. My heart hurts for you. Take it from me, there were and are no blessings in the loss of my husband. You are in my thoughts. Many hugs.
11:20 AM
Ortizzle said…
Hugs, dear. I can offer you no better than that.
1:49 PM
chichimama said…
Hugs. Big, big hugs.
7:13 PM
Anonymous said…
Gina, I wish I had some magic words right now, but I don't.

I hope you can find peace and the blessing that you seek.

{{hugs}}
7:57 PM
Cherry said…
I'm so sorry Gina!
11:03 PM
Trixie Twatwaffle said…
sorry it took me afew days to get to this.

Hugs to you. Big hugs.
6:30 AM
Scout said…
We all react to things around us depending on our current circumstances. For me, what really upsets me is the passages of time--aging parents, missed dreams, children who move out and on to find their own lives.

I empathize with you, Gina.
10:30 AM
Family Adventure said…
Gina...I'm so sorry. I know how you're feeling. I've been there twice, and I still think about my due dates and wonder.

I don't have the words to say what I'm feeling, but please know that I am thinking about you.

Big hugs to you. Heidi
1:14 PM
Heidi said…
OK, I am crying now, at work. Those photos are beautiful, the baby is beautiful.
You are in my thoughts, thanks for sharing.
4:52 PM
Anvilcloud said…
Warm thoughts from up here.
6:56 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Onward

The end of the school year, finally! Did I tell you that my son went to public school this past year? Did I tell you that my daughter was in a regular Kinder classroom this year? Although it was nice to have them both in school, there were definitely things I was not so hip on, such as having to wake up at 5:20 every morning just to get everyone out the door on time.  And then after all the driving and dropping off, going to work. Such fun! I had forgotten the dreariness of having to complete mounds and mounds of homework (even though new research has shown that homework, especially for Kinder, is for shit).  Of constant deadlines and fundraisers and things I am supposed to volunteer for. My daughter had a good year, but was definitely not without its bumps. Her teacher, an older, highly experienced, practical woman with a Master's in Education, kept referring to my daughter as an "inclusion student."  It wasn't her name or just "student" but was...
Read more

Apples and Oranges

Perhaps some of you may have noticed, but the real estate market is beginning a tumble in prices that benefit us, prospective buyers. And we're going to wait. That is cold, cold comfort to those such as J and Py , who are attempting to sell their place as we speak. But, we're not going to wait too much longer, if that makes them feel any better. There is no sense trying to time the bottom of the market, and we have been putting off moving, oh, since Mr. P was born because of the huge runup in prices. So huge that at one point, we could barely afford to buy our own place from ourselves. We should be ok even if we sell at a lower price than we could have gotten say, two years ago. We have, however, a dilemma. We have narrowed our choices down to two cities. And we are stuck there. We just can't figure out which city is better, and they are oh-so-different. Let me give you a rundown. City 1 Older, smaller houses (in our price range) Larger lots Beach city Infrastructure...
Read more

D-A-N-G

As with all young children, for a very long time we parents rely on the old "spell the word out" trick for talking about things in front of them that we don't want them to know. Well, our time seems just about up. Hubba-hubba was trying to tell me about an upcoming event in which Santa would be making an appearance. As Mr. P is very much into Christmas this year, we knew that any mention of Santa would bring a long soliliquoy about how Santa is magic and how he makes the toys and how he has a list and on and on and on. And at that moment, we just didn't feel like hearing it. Don't judge people, don't judge. So, Hubba-hubba spelled out "S-A-N-T-A." "Hey, what did you just say?" said the five year old. "Nothing" lied replied his father. "I know what you said, Daddy! You said Santa!" Anybody know a place that sells semaphore flags?
Read more