Friday, November 23, 2007

Seeking

This is a time for reflecting upon all the wonderful blessings we have in our lives.

Except, I am bitter.

You see, I am a big believer in denial. I think that my life runs more smoothly when I just sort of shove the unpleasant things away, and I usually wind up forgetting about them. Because if I think about them a lot, they bog me down, and my function starts decreasing, and for what? So that I can wallow in things? So not for me.

But, two days ago, I unwittingly clicked onto this story in the LA Times.

And when I saw the picture of that beautiful, precious dead infant, I totally lost it. I cannot get over how beautiful he is, and how the loss of him must have felt to his parents.

In fact, I am losing it now.

At this point, I was supposed to be seven months pregnant.

I was supposed to be starting my last trimester.

And obviously, I'm not.

I don't know if I will ever even get pregnant again, such is the nature of my disorder. I was probably blessed, in a way, to get pregnant at all.

I just need to find the blessing in that, somehow.

But it is really, really hard.

19 comments:

Mrs. G. said...

Oh, honey, you are in my thoughts tonight. Sometimes it takes years for a blessing make itself known.

Kelley said...

Oh babe. I know. I grieve for my many babies lost and hold those that I have closer. Perhaps too close sometimes.

I was told I would never have children. PCOS. But I have been lucky. Freaking unlucky many many times as well.

No words of comfort. No empty 'Your time will comes' just hugs and know that I am thinking of you over this side of the pond.

boogiemum (www.boogiemum.com) said...

I am so sorry you have to go through this, Gina. I wish I had better words to comfort you...((hugs))

Badness Jones said...

I don't even have any words....tears are streaming down my face after reading that story, and yours, I can only say that I'm thinking of you, and will hope for you....xoxo

Steph said...

I am so sorry, Gina. I am not great with words, but my thoughts are with you.

Liz said...

I'm so sorry.

Patois said...

I can see why you would push away the bad thoughts in order to function. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry.

Heather said...

Sorry. The holiday season always seems to sharpen the pain of loss. My thoughts are with you.

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

Don't worry if you can never find the blessing in what you went through. I, for one, don't believe there is any blessing involved, only heartache. I think you were a compassionate enough person before hand, so you didn't go through it to open up your heart to other parents who experience it. It just sucks, plain and simple. There will be times when it hurts, and times when it doesn't, but it won't ever be a blessing.

That's my take, anyway.

MrsGrumpy said...

Gina, don't feel know you have to find a blessing where one might not be found. My heart hurts for you. Take it from me, there were and are no blessings in the loss of my husband. You are in my thoughts. Many hugs.

Ortizzle said...

Hugs, dear. I can offer you no better than that.

chichimama said...

Hugs. Big, big hugs.

~Sheryl said...

Gina, I wish I had some magic words right now, but I don't.

I hope you can find peace and the blessing that you seek.

{{hugs}}

Cherry said...

I'm so sorry Gina!

Margaret said...

sorry it took me afew days to get to this.

Hugs to you. Big hugs.

Scout said...

We all react to things around us depending on our current circumstances. For me, what really upsets me is the passages of time--aging parents, missed dreams, children who move out and on to find their own lives.

I empathize with you, Gina.

Family Adventure said...

Gina...I'm so sorry. I know how you're feeling. I've been there twice, and I still think about my due dates and wonder.

I don't have the words to say what I'm feeling, but please know that I am thinking about you.

Big hugs to you. Heidi

gmcountrymama said...

OK, I am crying now, at work. Those photos are beautiful, the baby is beautiful.
You are in my thoughts, thanks for sharing.

Anvilcloud said...

Warm thoughts from up here.