Celebration of...

I have determined that my family is...unusual.

Well, I have always known this.

The one year anniversary of my mother's passing is coming at the end of September. 

We did not hold any kind of memorial service for my mother. For a number of reasons, I think. She was cremated, her death was so unexpected and fast, and it came right around a bunch of family birthdays and holidays. I think it felt at the time like we would be scheduling a memorial around a birthday or Thanksgiving and that just seemed like a huge bummer and we didn't want to do that to people. From August to January the majority of our family has their birthdays and of course all the major holidays. 

But I do know my mother, and the Leo in her would want some kind of acknowledgment of her passing.  She would love to have a fancy room with beautiful flowers and people dressed up and speaking about her in glowing terms. I KNOW this IN MY BONES. She would be kind of insulted to just have nobody do anything at all, I promise. I have asked multiple people who knew who very well indeed if they agree with me about that, and they all do.

But for some reason, I don't think my Dad and my sister want to do this.

I don't want to be "that person" but I honestly think that my Dad could use people around him on the day of my Mom's passing to give him support and to talk with him about her. I feel like we kind of just don't mention her a lot because we think it will upset him. And that maybe he doesn't mention her to us because he thinks it will upset us. I don't know. It won't upset me at all, I'm fine. My sister is an entirely different story.

Because she was so much closer with my mother, her life was so much more impacted than mine. I know that she still has trouble dealing with it on the daily, even though I am not supposed to know. This sounds not good to me. I feel like she needs to reach out to others for help. We aren't close enough for her to reach out to me, and I am probably not in much of a position to give her the type of support she would need. 

I really think we should try to plan some type of memorial service for the weekend closest to the date of my mom's passing, but then I feel like I would be some sort of pushy person trying to force my perspective on my Dad and sister, when I am honestly trying to just help. I truly think this type of thing can give them a sense of closure, which they definitely do not have. 

We did go to one of her favorite restaurants on her birthday at the beginning of August which was nice, but super awkward. It was super awkward in a couple of ways. One was that apparently my sister made the reservation but neglected to tell me about it until 3 days prior. Ok, nice of you to remember eventually, I guess. Glad we didn't already have plans, although I had kind of kept the day open because I figured we would be doing something with my Dad. And then, when the waiter asked, "Oh, is this your first time dining with us?" my sister, my Dad, and my brother in law nodded yes, and my husband, me, and my daughter shook our heads no. Whoops! Looks like somebody never got invited to my Mom's favorite restaurant! Who it was should surprise absolutely no one. I'm not bitter, really. They had really good biscuits, though!

So here I am, trying to think if I should make this last minute push to have some type of Celebration of Life in accordance with what I know my Mom would want, or just leave it. But now that my sister has started her school year, maybe it's too late. She wanted to have it at her house, and I don't want to add the extra burden of her having to clean her house and all that. I could pull it off at another location, but it would be tough. Ugh, why don't people know that I am always right? I will just probably lay low and we will low key do something with a few people and my mother will be rolling her eyes and clucking in disapproval. As always. 

Comments

J said…
Oh, that’s tough, all of it.

I don’t know what you should do, but if I were in your shoes I would at least ask. I know when my mom died, people were sometimes hesitant to talk about her because it would start me crying. But you know what? Crying when you are grieving is normal, (and so is not crying) and just not talking about someone feels in a way like you’re trying to erase them.

So I say go for it. If you can make it work, have the nice flowers and listen to people say nice things about her, share stories, have some laughter. If it doesn’t work out, maybe you can do something small on your own.
4:41 PM
Nance said…
Oh, Gina. Families are so complicated. You are NOT alone.

Maybe you can plan something that you would like, something that you know your mother would appreciate. Then present it to your Dad and your sister as an option: "Hey, I thought I'd have a thing for Mom as a memorial on this date at this place. I would like you to be there if you think you're up to it."

If they choose not to, you have your family and maybe other family, friends, or guests. It doesn't have to be a big deal, either. A small reception at a park, where you all chat and share memories.

I'm sorry that things are so difficult. I really understand.
7:11 AM
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