Mutations

 Mutate is such a loaded word, is it not?

It has a fairly simple technical definition but somehow mutate carries a heavier, more loaded connotation than the word "change."

And if that is the case, then you could definitely say that my life has...mutated.

It seems that I am the winner of a very specific type of genetic lottery and let's just say the prize isn't a good one.

A month or so after my mother's death, my Dad received a notification from my mom's oncologist, stating that one of her biopsies came back with a gene mutation that may have led to her death and it is inheritable. They recommended testing for any children, and you know it's bad when Kaiser recommends genetic testing. 

So, I go to get the testing done and lo and behold, I hold the golden ticket. 

Now, it isn't the BCRA gene, thank goodness, which is much more aggressive and would have a much bigger impact.  However, this gene apparently can have it's hand in multiple organs, not just breast cancer. 

Suddenly, I am leading a life that is very doctor-intensive. Very testing-intensive. I have had multiple MRI's, been poked and prodded, dressed and undressed, laid out superman-style with everything hanging out, attended a fairly sketchy contracted vendor and gotten a fungal rash on my arm as well as witnessing a HIPAA violation, and now have multiple specialists who call me their patient. And we are just getting started. 

It's weird. 

It feels proactive and that is nice in one sense, but it also feels led by fear in another sense. 

Which makes no sense.  

I know.

I'm conflicted about it. 

I also lost my job.  

Well, I quit my job, but I had a really good reason. I won't go into the details, but you'll just have to trust me for now. I think that if you were in my place, you probably would have quit, too. 

What I will say is that with all of this medical stuff going on, I am not sure how I would have been able to keep my job because there are a lot of doctor visits that have to occur within certain timeframes and its not exactly super flexible. 

So my life is in a period of mutation. Definitely more significant than change. But what the final form this mutation will turn into, we will just have to see. I am trying to be optimistic, I don't know that I have any other choice, because to live any other way is to live in a state of capitulation and that just isn't an option. 

I wish I could say it has turned me into a nicer person. That I have realized the fragility of life and its preciousness and treat all around me as if they are treasures. I don't. That is apparently a task for someone way better than me and I am just not up for the challenge. I have had so many setbacks in the past 9 months I am surprised I am still standing. I think asking myself to be perfect is a bit too much at this time. Remind me to tell you about everything that's happened, you'll be surprised I'm still standing too. 

So, I will certainly try to be thankful for what I have, try not to be too crabby about everything, and try to remember that mutations don't always have to have to be a "bad" thing. Like Captain America. Captain America is good. Mutations are not always bad. Right? Right?!




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Apples and Oranges

Perhaps some of you may have noticed, but the real estate market is beginning a tumble in prices that benefit us, prospective buyers. And we're going to wait. That is cold, cold comfort to those such as J and Py , who are attempting to sell their place as we speak. But, we're not going to wait too much longer, if that makes them feel any better. There is no sense trying to time the bottom of the market, and we have been putting off moving, oh, since Mr. P was born because of the huge runup in prices. So huge that at one point, we could barely afford to buy our own place from ourselves. We should be ok even if we sell at a lower price than we could have gotten say, two years ago. We have, however, a dilemma. We have narrowed our choices down to two cities. And we are stuck there. We just can't figure out which city is better, and they are oh-so-different. Let me give you a rundown. City 1 Older, smaller houses (in our price range) Larger lots Beach city Infrastructure...
Read more

Onward

The end of the school year, finally! Did I tell you that my son went to public school this past year? Did I tell you that my daughter was in a regular Kinder classroom this year? Although it was nice to have them both in school, there were definitely things I was not so hip on, such as having to wake up at 5:20 every morning just to get everyone out the door on time.  And then after all the driving and dropping off, going to work. Such fun! I had forgotten the dreariness of having to complete mounds and mounds of homework (even though new research has shown that homework, especially for Kinder, is for shit).  Of constant deadlines and fundraisers and things I am supposed to volunteer for. My daughter had a good year, but was definitely not without its bumps. Her teacher, an older, highly experienced, practical woman with a Master's in Education, kept referring to my daughter as an "inclusion student."  It wasn't her name or just "student" but was...
Read more

Blown Away

That is a fitting name for this post, as the winds outside our house right now are blowing at speeds that have been clocked at 85 mph, which is technically hurricane-force. The wind truly sounds like a freight train. I have never experienced such a ferocious wind storm, and we get them every year around this time. Oy. If you've checked the news, you've heard about the Malibu fire, but seriously, when doesn't Malibu burn? Every frickin year they have a fire, it just goes with the territory of being remote and having heavy brush, combined with no irrigation and a canyon. It's just a volatile mix. Meanwhile, in the very canyon in which my house is located (the Fremont Canyon) we are in the thick of those winds clocked at hurricane speed, and it is just crazy, people. There are trees being uprooted everywhere, as well as something that just hit my roof. I'm not kidding. We have seen at least two transformers blow out, kind of pretty, actually that huge blue glow ...
Read more