Tuesday, July 03, 2007

At Least I've Got an Oar

I am stuck in the ugly netherworld between denial and acceptance.

You see, I have cried and I have talked and I have done everything I can productively do to mourn the loss of my second child. I am feeling able to finally change out of my pajamas and actually have the energy to do some cleaning.

Even though my sister said I was absolved for at least two weeks from making any decisions harder than what to wear and what to eat, I think I am at a point where I can have a fairly clear-headed perspective on things.

Or is that a classic case of denial?

What has helped me most is that I have a little boy here who needs his mommy, not some mopey shadow of a mommy who listlessly goes through the day. If there is anything that has helped to motivate me past this, it has been Mr. Personality. I have this fierce desire to shield him from any of my pain. From the first day I began bleeding, I promised myself that he would know nothing, and I have been very successful. I would never want to burden a four year old with what happened, and maybe at some point down the line it will come up as a topic, but not for a long while.

So, then, have I moved into the acceptance stage or is there a river in Egypt I need to become familiar with? Does the mere fact that I can think it's possible that I am in denial mean that I'm not?

I'm not sure, but I think either way, I'll take it.

Probably after the 4th of July, I will get back to regular posting about regular things. Again, thank you all so much. You are wonderful, kind people whose words have helped me to heal. I haven't felt much like commenting, as I can't think of anything clever to say, but I am sure I will get back into the swing of things soon.

And, for anyone who thinks I did the redesign myself, I didn't! I think if you go down to the very bottom of my blog, there will be a link to the site where I lifted it from. I did some minor tweaking of things, but the main design is all hers!

Much love, and talk to you soon...

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