To: Merck, Eli Lilly, etc...
From: Mr. Personality, PhD
The intensive psychiatric experiments and observations I have been conducting on Subject A (Mom) continue to be a success.
Through various means and tactics including, but not limited to:
Being scared of the dark
Refusing to go into any section of the house unless accompanied
Refusing to play soccer without an adult holding my hand
Insisting I don't know how to dress myself
Refusing to go anywhere
Refusing to leave anywhere
Screaming at the top of my lungs to express my displeasure at the rides at Disneyland
Screaming at the top of my lungs to express my displeasure at just about anything
Waking up multiple times during the night
Suddenly not knowing the alphabet
Refusing to pee in the potty
Yet being mortally offended when my diaper/pull ups need changing
Forcing Subject A to ask me things multiple times before being openly displaying my defiance
Refusing to play at the park if any other carbon-based life form is also present
Refusing to sleep by myself
Throwing wooden and other assorted objects at Subject A's head "by accident" because as we all know "everybody makes mistakes, Mama"
I have managed to induce what I would like to term a full-blown case of Parental Identity Crisis or Parentidis for short. I can tell that she is questioning every decision she has ever made regarding my upbringing to this point. I can feel her despairing the wisdom of ever thinking she could be a good mother. I have overheard her whispered conversations about running away to Las Vegas with no intentions of returning.
I will be forwarding my detailed notes to you within the week to assist with the formation of a possible pharmaceutical remedy to this affliction, as of course you know of the large potential audience for the drug.
Please be aware that several alcoholic beverage companies have expressed intense interest in my research as well.