Thursday, December 29, 2005

I Feel a Pulitzer Coming On...

So as part of my newfound mission to explore and examine the most hard-hitting and important issues facing us today, I will tell you a dilemma I was faced with on Christmas.

You see, I was planning on wearing some knit pants and a long, cable-knit sweater. So you get the picture that the outfit was not exactly loose and free flowing.

I put it on and looked at myself in our bedroom hallway, which has not just one but count them, 5 full length mirrors. Mind you, this is courtesy of my closet doors being composed of mirrors, not just some ego trip on my part. Thus I am able to see myself in triplicate most of the time, and at angles rarely dreamed of in front of a single mirror.

Then, I saw it. One of the most maligned things in our society, the Visible Panty Line. I gasped in horror. Not just at the VPL but at the size of my butt as well, but that is a story for another day, my friends.

I of course own thong panties, but I don't really wear them that often. If I am working out, or going to be doing an activity that I know will have a lot of standing up, I will usually cave and put the thong on. But ever since I saw an episode of Oprah, who was interviewing the Judd women, and Ashley said that thongs were "unsanitary" I have had some second thoughts about them. Of course, this is coming from the woman who apparently loathes them so much that she preferred to flash her privates to the world at the Oscars a few years ago, so I had to take it with a grain of salt.

Are they unsanitary? What makes them unsanitary? That they adhere to your inner booty like a piece of tape as opposed to your normal pair of underwear that just sort of skims the outside? I'm confused on this issue.

But, the main priority for me is feeling at ease. I made the mistake once of wearing a thong to a church wedding where every time I stood up or knelt on the kneeler, I could feel the skirt of my dress getting sucked in. That might just be a personal problem of mine, and if that is the case, forget what you just read. Anyhoo, pulling said skirt out of one's butt in church is not exactly kosher, if you know what I mean. So, I decided that with the amount of time I was going to be sitting as opposed to standing, I was going to commit the sin of the VPL.

Call me a fashion victim if you will, but at least I am a comfortable one.

7 comments:

Mel said...

Oh. You make me laugh. Really!

Shopping Diva said...

I am against thongs. Just because they are so flipping uncomfortable. And pulling stuff out of your ass at church is sad! I have gone to the dark side and wear "spanky pants" to do away with any VPL. Spanky pants are those fabulous shape helper thingies that look like bike shorts (or capris for certain outfits) for a 4-year-old until I get them rolled on and the voila! my ass is smooth. I am in lurve, and old - because I don't care what my underwear looks like anymore. I am going to work-out more as part of my new year's resolutions and hopefully I will qualify for a thong in a year, but I don't know if I can go there ever again!

Anvilcloud said...

Thong-queue very much for that.

And, of course it's not kosher in church, but how about synagogue?

Elizabeth said...

I agree with Mel. *shhhhhhh don't tell her*

WordsRock said...

Fashion victim? I think not.

btw, I agree with both Mel and eb. I don't care who you tell.

Suzanne

heidi said...

Unsanitary? I need an explanation for that one.

Karla said...

I've never been able to hop on the thong band wagon. It feels like the never ending wedgy to me. If I HAVE to wear one because my pants are tight enough to show a VPL, I will, but I've opted for VPL over comfort. I like it most when I can get away with a pair of jeans seeing that denim is one of the only materials on the planet to mask a panty line and they allow me to avoid the thong and be comfortable.