Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Bifocals Not Required

So we have been on the go for the last week or so, as my cousins (aged 16 and 12) from Arizona are in town, staying with my sister. We went shopping, we went to the beach, we hung around and ate pizza, and we went to the county fair.

The county fair was interesting, as I was looking for signs from the 16 year old that she was mortified to be with her aunt, her old cousins, and her younger sister. But, she seemed pretty blase about the whole thing.

With her, at least in this particular stage, it is all about the blase. I don't know if it is an unwillingness to show her more immature side to the world or what, but she is an expert at the impassive mask. Not in a bad way, it is just hard to gauge what she is thinking. She went on a ride, and she allowed herself to break into laughs and happy smiles. But the instant the ride stopped, plop, the mask was firmly in place.

She couldn't be any more different than me, whose face is a completely open book to anyone caring to read it. I simply cannot keep my emotions off my face. I have been accused of being the worst liar ever, and it must be true, because I have always been horrible at it. Thus, quite a while back, I just stopped lying altogether about much of anything, except perhaps the occasional, "My, you're looking great today" type of thing to bosses and future in-laws.

If you are being an obnoxious fool, you can take one look at me and know exactly what I am thinking. If my feelings are hurt, I just cannot for the life of me adjust my features into an uncaring pose. Joy, rage, impatience, hope, they are all being constantly telegraphed. I am the type of person, if I am interested in what you are saying, you feel as if my entire being is focused on just you. And it is. When I am attending an interesting lecture, presentation, or class, teachers/lecturers just love me because I make direct eye contact and nod my head at pertinent points. That particular tactic has served me very well over the years.

I think the only situation where I acquired any sort of neutral expression was when conducting interviews for potential staff. And that probably only occurred after a while, because I have probably interviewed hundreds of people, and because I didn't know them. After a while, I sort of learned how to not move my mouth when someone gave a ridiculous answer to a question, but I may be giving myself way too much credit.

Perhaps that is why I feel so comfortable with blogging, as no one can see my face and know what I am thinking at all hours of the day. It is a way to express myself in a way of my exact choosing, not giving anything away unless I put it in print. Sometimes I am jealous of those people who are experts at keeping their emotions under wraps. But, it is part of who I am, and at this point in my life I accept it. So if you ever meet me, feel free to leave the glasses at home.


WordsRock said...

I think I'm pretty good at hiding my emotions. My training started young as my family is fond of teasing each other mercilessly.

But recently I'm more about "why bother hiding them?" Turns out it can be fun to share real emotions with people.


Gina said...

Thank you, Suzanne, for being kind enough to pretend to be interested in my apparently very boring post!

Karla said...

I'm a strange girl when it comes to the emotion front. I used to wear my emotions on my sleeve, but I quickly learned how that worked against me at work. Our office was full of a bunch of stiffo's. I remember once I got really mad in a meeting. I was having a hard time containing my emotions (I was about to explode into tears) so I said I wasn't about to subject myself to derogatory comments and absurdity and I left. I was later repimanded for not being to keep my emotions in check (I was on the verge of crying it was so heated...I had to leave).

Ever since that incident I somehow built a stone wall around myself. I'm not sure how to deal with it either because even while talking about my little babies terrible tragedy to people in the 3D world, I have a hard time showing much emotion. Like I'm weak or something if I cry in public.

I know blogging has helped me tremendously in working through my emotions. I can choose to reveal the pieces I am comfortable with.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on that as well. It really helps to hear others express similar thoughts on blogging, and helps validate alot of the more human side of it.