Monday, April 25, 2005

Domestic Drama

The Scene: Vons Supermarket, pasta aisle.
The Players: A 30-ish couple with their young child in the cart. The child has a balloon tied around his wrist.

The scene opens with young toddler fiddling with the balloon string on his arm. Suddenly, the balloon begins to rise in the air.

Her: Oh my God, the balloon! (jumps up about an inch in an awkward, futile attempt to snatch the balloon as it rises toward the ceiling)

Her: (looking at husband, annoyed) Why didn't you even try to get the balloon? Why were you just staring at it?

Him: (also annoyed) I couldn't get it! What do you want me to do, knock you on your ass?

Her: Knock me on my what?

Him: Knock you on your ass!

Her: My what?

Him: Knock you on your butt!

Now, surely this is a disturbing exchange to be heard in the market. Imagine, this cretin has just threatened to knock his wife down on her ass in the middle of the pasta/sauce aisle! In front of their young and adorable child, no less. Perhaps the store manager should be called. Or maybe even the police. This guy is obviously a creep who cannot even control his rage in public. Why, she even dared to stand up to him, and still he threatened her again.

What really happened is that Hubba-hubba was annoyed because he felt he couldn't have grabbed the balloon without pushing the cart away and possibly "knocking me on my ass" in the process. Then, I got mad at him for cussing in front of Mr. Personality, and usually I have him repeat the phrase with the correct verbage. But, he didn't get what I was doing, and so (rather obtusely) cussed a second time. That made me even more furious, and so I spat out my question again. Finally, Hubba-hubba's brain began working, and he repeated the phrase with an acceptable substitute.

But, that is certainly not what the young woman, unseen at the end of the next aisle must have thought. She most likely didn't catch the association with the balloon, or didn't hear the prior statements. All she probably heard was the rather loud "knock you on your ass" part. Which was then challenged, and repeated even more loudly. It should also be mentioned that Hubba-hubba is a rather tall and physically-imposing kind of guy. So when she came face to face with us, she completely froze and avoided all eye contact.

Hubba-hubba is absolutely mortified.


Cuppa said...

This one had me laughing out loud! Thanks. Feels good.

The snow is all melted and the daffodils actually survived the two days of heavy snow we had here. I looked out first thing this morning and their little heads are all lifted off the ground and reaching towards the sunshine. What a miracle of nature they are. So delicate yet so strong.

The weatherman is calling for a week of rain, but that is ok, the garden needs gentle rain, not heavy snow!

I am in a total mess with my kitchen, but the work is moving ahead. Soon, it will be finished soon. Please God, let it be soon!

WordsRock said...

But but but... but what was the fate of the balloon?! Inquiring minds need to know.

Fun tale well told. I can imagine your husband was mortified. It should help to know we are all now laughing at him. :)


Anvilcloud said...

It took me a while to figure out where you were going. Who knew that ass was a cuss word in some areas?

Mel said...


Christi said...

Oh wow! It never occurred to me that other people may hear the conversations I have with my husband in public! That's pretty scary! There must be tons of people out there that think we are the worst people in the world!