Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Up In the Bleachers

I used to belong to the world of the gainfully employed. I would have my alarm clock set to a specific time, I would shower, eat breakfast, dress, and off to work I went. Now I wake up to the sounds of a toddler talking excitedly to himself, then bursting into my room with a "WAKE UP, MAMA!"

I used to be able to count on the fact that people would obey my directions, or at least have the courtesy to pretend to be listening to me, unlike my current situation of downright defiance at times.

I used to be able to quantify how much I was worth when I got a paycheck every two weeks. It was there in big black numbers how much I was valued, so I could measure my success by my growing bank account. Now I feel like an almost invisible member of society.

I used to direct a staff of up to 20 people, now I am down to one rather disgruntled two year old. Although for some employees (a man I will label GG comes specifically to mind) it takes a bit of effort for me to tell the difference.

I used to conduct training sessions to what over the years probably works out to hundreds of people without batting an eyelid, but I am shaking in my shoes at the thought of potty training.

I used to have meetings in which I would have to cultivate a look of attentiveness, even though usually I could have cared less. Now I find myself able to stare out the window for long periods of time without anyone asking, "So what do you think of that, Gina?"

At times, I find myself missing my old job (which I never, ever, thought I would say). But, it was not so much the job but the people I worked with and the adult conversations I had, with nary a mention of the latest tricycles or picky eating. It was a transition into a world of anonynimity to which I wasn't really prepared.

It is true that a lot of the time, people define you by what you do, rather than who you are. When you announce that you stay at home with your child, no one is really that impressed. I mean, what are the qualifications anyway? Just a kid- a uterus of one's own is not even a true requirement. I am slowly adjusting to the ability to fade in or out of society as I choose. I no longer have to put my "game face" on every day. But sometimes I think it would be nice to have a chance to stand in the batter's box once and a while.

1 comment:

Mel said...

That was really beautifully expressed!